Scammed
written by
Andy KJ CRAGG
INT. His flat - EVENING
Under exotic holiday music we close in slowly on the screen of an open laptop with a jolly screensaver as the title cards fade in and out. Stop when the laptop screen almost fills the view. Music stops, silence for a beat then fade up the sound of one side of an argument. Stay on the laptop screensaver.
HIM
(audio fade in)
... bloody scammed me, you and your fake company website and your fake smiles and your fake bloody flirting! You made me believe... you made me... Get out! Get out of my space, my flat, my bloody life, you parasite!
(pause)
Ten thirty?
(pause)
You scammed me! You bloody, fucking, shitting scammed me! How much were you getting then of my eleven k? Eh? How much?
(pause)
No wonder you wanted more!
(pause)
Oh come off it, your's must be worth a fuckin' fortune too, don't keep the lie going, I want you out of my flat now! Now!
(pause)
Fuckin' right, now. Out!
(pause)
Out! Before I have throw you out, I mean it, out now!
(pause)
Liar! Out! Now!
(pause)
Fuck off.
FADE TO BLACK for a good few seconds
INT. Pub bar - EVENING
We see HER leaning on the bar with an orange-coloured drink staring at it. HE comes up to HER, all smiles.
Him
Password?
Her
Swordfish. Password?
HIM
Wiibble. With two I's.
HER
Good. Over there?
(smiles, and points to a free table)
CUT TO:
INT. PUB BAR table - MOMENTS LATER
HIM and HER sit opposite each other. We initially hear a lot of background noise from the pub but this fades as we hear the conversation more clearly.
HIM
You got yourself a drink then, looks like orange squash.
HER
It's a J2O substitute. Yes, and it tastes like orange squash, you?
HIM
T&L Nash Point, good solid beer, not hoppy, and only 4%.
HER
I don't drink when I'm wor... I don't drink on a date.
HIM
I do, dutch courage - did you know they banned a beer advert because it said beer gives you courage? Turns out that in small quantities it does. Doctors said. Banned it anyways.
HER
They like banning things. They tried to ban something my work was doing, but we got round it. We got unbanned, and had a party. You have anything odd like that at work?
HIM
I work in a call centre, you know the one in Cardiff? Yes, so we did have an advert queried by the ASA, turns out some old biddy heard an extraordinarily rude word, but it was her hearing aid on the blink!
We gave her a voucher, she was pleased.
HER
We can't hand out vouchers, we hand out real cash a lot of the time. Are you happy in your work?
HIM
Me? Happy? Interesting question. Nope, course not, but I never thought about it much, its a job, pays well, there's good bantz, though that is well regulated.
HER
I should think so too. We don't get a chance for bantz, as you put it, bantz is almost outlawed. We have to work. And be seen to work.
HIM
God, I'd hate that.
HER
It's fine, really, the work is rewarding.
HIM
Rewarding? I wonder if mine is?
(thinks)
Nope, not rewarding. Except it pays the rent and for this lovely pint of non-hoppy beer.
They both look at their glasses.
HER
What did you want to be when you grew up, when you were a boy?
HIM
When I grew up when I was a boy?
HER
Yes.
HIM
My Dad said he wanted to be train driver when he grew up.
HER
And did he?
HIM
Grew up? Yes and had me.
HER
Did he enjoy being a train driver? Must be pretty boring these days.
HIM
No, he had a desk job in a mine. He always envied the miners and their money, desk jobs didn't pay back then.
HER
You?
HIM
I envy some of the managers, they seem to be always on the move. I have to sit in cell C16 all day. You?
HER
I work for Financial Security Enterprises - bitcoin, you know, that kind of thing. I envy the higher rollers, they make money, lots of lovely money effortlessly.
HIM
Financial Security?
HER
We secure our customers Financial Security, yes. Interested?
HIM
Nope. Does it give you Financial Security?
HER
Yes. Of course. Insider knowledge, all that.
HIM
Illegal, insider knowledge.
HER
That's dealing. Knowledge is not illegal - look at wikipedia. Do you know what a bitcoin is?
HIM
Yes. Do you know what AGGREGATE LIMIT OF INDEMNITY is? Or VIS MAJOR?
HER
No, all I know about is having actual money in my actual bank account to spend on whatever I actually want, lots of it. Actually.
HIM
What did you want to be when you grew up?
HER
a) a millionaire and b) happy
HIM
Ah, the John Lennon quote.
HER
Yes the John Lennon quote, but second.
HIM
Some philosophers suggest you should switch those two around. Be happy first, then the millions will come to you.
HER
That's not true. Money gives you choices.
HIM
Watch the Shawn Acher The Happy Secret to Better work TED talk - its been viewed 21 million times and is very funny. And life affirming, its only 12 minutes long and contains unicorns.
HER
Right, will do, I'll tap it into my phone now. Shawn - spell that?
HIM
(spelling it out)
S H A W N A C H E R T E D T A L K
CUT TO:
INT. PUB BAR TABLE - an hour or so LATER
The bar is emptying... it is noticeably quieter as emphasised by the cut.
HeR
... so I'd done my Masters in Philosophy - useless. No money in being Philosophical all your life. And...
HIM
I hear that Shawn fellow is very rich, being a philosopher all his life. Money and being useful to society, it can be done.
HER
... and starting looking for a job. Then, as luck would jolly well have it - in your words - a friend of mine... Wendy. Lets call her Wendy, was starting a beauty business, which was ironic because ...
HIM
Sounds like you're going to be sexist there, I'd stop now.
HER
Because she had no head for business. I was dragged into it, did all the work and got little reward, apart from some pretty good hair gel which I still use today - would you like some? Free, gratis, I bought some, just in case.
HIM
Go on then, let's have a look.
She delves into her Chanel handbag and pulls out the hair gel along with a brochure with a business card attached by paper clip at the top. And her iPad.
HIM
The hair gel comes with a brochure and and app?
HER
No, I wanted to show you my company website. Here.
She hands him the gel and brochure and she taps on the iPad while He's perusing the brochure. He takes the business card off the top and studies it.
HER
Look at this - it really does what it says on the tin - financial security. Know what that actually means?
HIM
It's a buzzword, meaningless.
HER
No, it is meaning full - look, if you buy a few of our guy's bitcoin then, when it all goes live soon, you and me will be sitting on a real fortune, money to buy expensive stuff with.
HIM
Like that Chanel handbag - it looks like a fake. And it's bitcoins, not bitcoin.
HER
The real ones always do. It's one bitcoin, two bitcoin, I should know. The future of money - banks won't exist, they'll simply go -pooof!
HIM
Yes, you're right about that, but having one or two bitcoins can't make you rich, it's just a currency, a means of exchange, an IOU, a promise.
HER
This one will make you and me millionaires - this time next year, Rodney, and all that. But this is cast iron, gilt edged, guaranteed, warrantied, VAT'd and tax deductible. Solid as a rock - buy some.
HIM
What?
HER
Buy some now, click here
(she hands him the iPad and points to the buy now button)
And when you've done that, think about what you're going to spend the money on - a nice car, big house, holidays in the sun, a private jet, yacht, or give it all to your favourite charity - which would that be?
HIM
You're kidding. Really?
She takes the iPad away from him and puts it and the brochure back in her handbag.
HER
No, you're right - but, I do love my job enough to want to take it anywhere.
HIM
You just tried to sell me something, on a date? Really?
HER
Old habits, yes, sorry, I'm still getting used to being in a nine to five job, that's all - forgive me?
him
Go on then, alright, where were we? Your plain-looking beauty business partner. Then what happened to you?
HER
I got a job at Financial Security Enterprises, and here I am. I'm, um, in sales.
HIM
No shit Sherlock, really? Do you get commission? No - don't answer, I think that you do, and rather a lot I'd say, if that handbag has anything to do with it.
HER
Don't say you're attracted to my money. Though it's not a bad foundation for a relationship, I think. As long as it's equally distributed.
HIM
Distributed? So why will one of your bitcoins suddenly turn into lots of dollars when it
(makes quotes signs)
"Goes live"? Where is the magic?
HER
There's no magic, just basic economics. Buy one or two, try it out. How much have yo got stashed away?
HIM
Eleven thousand pounds of my late Aunt's money. But you're not having any of it - why are we having this conversation? You're plainly still at work.
HER
Listen.
(she leans in)
In a months time, the fifteenth of June, this is going live. No-one else knows that, just me and my boss. And now you. Give us your eleven K and on the sixteenth you will be worth
(thinks)
About four and a half million dollars, about three point seven million pounds.
HIM
Not enough for a private jet and a yacht.
HER
This week, up to the end of the day on Friday will yield the best returns. The price is parity at the moment, but will go up after next Friday, and up further still in the following weeks to the live date. I'm only telling you this because ...
HIM
Because?
HER
Because I like you. And because I think it might be fun spending time and money with you, I really do.
HIM
Golly, really? My money?
HER
Our money.
Barman kicks them out.
Int. Expensive RESTAURANT table - EVENING
They again sit opposite each other, it's very quiet and the waiting staff are discrete and unobtrusive.
HIM
(looks around)
Very nice, I could get used to this.
HER
Indeed you shall, Cinderella, you shall go to the ball. And to the night clubs and the champagne bars and the millionaires clubs, if you wish. Your wish is my command. Did you get the email?
HIM
Indeed I did - five thousand co-in bitcoin are mine. So why co-in.life and not your company name?
HER
Financial Security Enterprises dot com would be difficult to remember, and you'd spell enterprises with a z, so we chose something memorable, and short. You didn't even write it down. Did you see the value at the bottom of the page?
HIM
Yes, about one and a half, to twenty decimal places. Is it really that accurate?
HER
And more besides, yes.
HIM
Three weeks time, yes?
HER
22 days to be precise, we're all super-hyped about it. I need this
(picks up wine glass, takes a sip)
to calm me down a bit. To your financial security!
HIM
And to yours! How many bitcoin do you have, again?
HER
Enough. Can't say - all a bit company confidential actually. But never mind. Lets look at this delicious menu - I hear Matteo is in the kitchen tonight, you won't be disappointed. His lamb is so -
HIM
Very jolly well good?
HER
That's it.
She nods away O.S and a waiter/waitress appears.
CUT TO:
INT. EXPENSIVE RESTAURANT TABLE - LATER
Pudding plates are on the table, finished and they are a bit closer to each other, almost talking in whispers.
HER
It's not a thing to have, it should flow in greater and greater amounts, like a river.
HIM
Like a river, a river of filthy lucre.
HER
Like a waterfall, drenching you, while down-river it's all smooth and sweet and lovely.
HIM
Like a pebble, a pebble smoothed of all its rough edges.
HER
Yes, a pebble, I want you to be my pebble.
HIM
I like my rough edges!
HER
We can go to Paris for lunch!
HIM
We can go to Milan for tea!
HER
We can go to Munich for beer!
HIM
We can drink champagne on a river boat on the Volga!
HER
And sip tea in on a junket in China!
HIM
Have coffee laced with gin in Brazil!
HER
Makes the world go around, money makes the world go around...
HIM
That clinking, clanking sound!
HeR
Money. Money, money, must be funny, its a rich man's world.
BOTH
(singing/laughing)
Ah ha, aha ha, it's a rich man's world!
INT. HIS FLAT - EVENING
With no music but background noises of HIM getting ready, we focus on the coffee table and pan left to right seeing a champagne bucket with champagne bottle in (unopened) then a laptop with the screensaver, then two champagne flutes and slow down to briefly reveal a cardboard box of champagne flutes.
CUT TO:
INt. HIS FLAT - CONTINUOUS
Pan across from bookshelves to the mirror where we see HIM dressed in a colourful shirt. He's adjusting his hair and collar, and is smiling broadly. He drops his smile and looks sideways into the mirror, attempting suaveness. The doorbell rings.
We see his hand open the door and pan up, zoom out a little to see HER, standing in the doorway. She's wearing work-type clothes and a little make-up, nothing to match him. She's looking irritated as she stands there looking down at her phone.
HIM
Come in! Come in my princess of the coin!
She walks in he takes her coat, hangs it up and she puts her Chanel on a chair.
HIM
(pointing around the flat)
We have champagne on ice, we have crudites, we have
(in Italian accent)
Spaghetti Bolognaise simmering on the stove and we have
(clicks fingers)
Music!
Loud heavy metal starts to play. He clicks his fingers again and Rites of Spring plays, softly.
HER
Sorry, really bad day. Still happening. Have to be near my phone. Until 9pm, I hope. Yes, 9pm when the thing shuts down. Sorry. Sorry to not be quite in the mood.
HIM
That's, er, quite alright. We can watch your phone together.
HER
No, sorry, I have to take calls in some kind of privacy - alright if I use the loo when it rings? Company confidential. All that.
HIM
Until nine pm? Ok, roll on 9 pm then. It's through there.
(points)
HER
Thanks, sorry,
HIM
Well, until nine then. You can have some champagne though, just a small glass perhaps?
HER
Yes, I think I really could have one, small glass, though you seem to have a boxful
(pointing at the box)
HIM
Yes, well a quick trip to the offy this afternoon, they had one bottle of decent champagne, one slightly well-used plastic ice-bucket and a box of glasses. Said I'd have to take the whole lot. Less chance of any of them getting broke, apparently. Anyways, it cost a bit, but - hey!
HER
Ok. Why champagne?
She goes over to the ice-bucket and reads the label on the bottle.
HER
Bloody hell.
Her phone rings. She immediately goes into the bathroom with it. He opens the champagne and pours two glasses
HIM
(to himself)
Might have been better if you were here to see me open this, but hey, busy lady. Busy lady indeed, not surprising today of all days.
She comes back in a moment later.
HER
Well, that's one less customer. Bit of a bastard, but a rich bit of a bastard all the same.
HIM
Win some, lose some. Here.
He hands her a glass.
HER
Why? Why the champagne?
HIM
What? Well, it's traditional, isn't it?
HER
What are you, er, we celebrating?
HIM
Come here and look at this.
He goes over to the laptop, taps at the keyboard and turns it around to show a banking website (paypal et al)
HIM
Look! If I just press the reset button again - I've been saving this for you to see, look now - see that says one million nine hundred and eighty seven pounds fifty six pence, now?
(presses refresh - F5)
HER
What, what is, is that?
HIM
Look
(he presses refresh again)
Aha! Now look! Bloody hell, it's now
(reading)
Two million exactly! Well apart from the hundred and fifty quid -
(singing)
we're in the money...
Her phone rings again, she goes to the loo with her glass. He sits and sips his champagne. Finishes it and pours himself some more. Presses F5 a few more times. She's in the loo for a while and we can begin to hear what she's saying as her voice gets louder.
HER (O.S.)
... I know, and that's the stupid thing ... yes, yes .. but we know that, and they don't, that really is the bloody point you know, we... yes, yeah, we know how to scarper ... what? What about Nottingham? You promised me Notting... No, no I bloody won't! Its a freaking, bloody simple scam you know, a child could do it! What's that about the website - I can hear what going on behind you you know ... yes, oh really. They've gone what? Live? What with the Co-In thing? Live? That was never meant to happen, for fuck's sake, who's idea ...
She starts to talk softer but already he is listening against the bathroom door.
HER
Look, I'm with a wibbler now, he'll be livid if he looks at the site, I just need to get another five k off him, then Nottingham, ok?
Give me until about ten thirty tonight. Ok, yes, ok, bye then. And wish me luck. I may have to go above and beyond with this one, so I'll make it out at about ten thirty, ha! Bye, bye, yeah, bye.
He dashes back into the room and sits where he sat before with an empty glass. She comes out of the bathroom, still looking at her phone and goes over to refill her glass.
HER
For God's sake - do you have this problem at your work? Bloody twenty four seven they've got me. Well, it's not nine pm yet, but I'm bloody well turning this thing off.
She fiddles with her phone.
HER
Anyway, what was that program you were showing me about?
HIM
Program?
HER
Yes, the counter thing - looks pretty real to me, what are you up to?
(pause)
HIM
Wibbler?
HER
What? Oh, you overheard some of that did you, sorry,
(smiling)
your walls must be thin.
HIM
I can hear the neighbours shagging sometimes. Thought I might wear a Viking helmet one of these days when I next see them.
HER
Viking helmet?
HIM
(getting a bit agitated)
Wibbler? I've been looking at the site all afternoon. It's locked. No more takers.
(pause)
Scarper? Nottingham? Simple scam?
(getting more agitated)
Another five k? Above and beyond? What the shit?!
HER
Fuck.
HIM
You are scamming me, right? I'm your latest wibbler and .. you scammed me!
HER
Fuck, really, no. Right what it is, is I'm working for...
HIM
You're scamming me, aren't you?
HER
What - well, yes you might have heard that in the bathroom, a scam, I was talking about something - so what is that on your computer, can i have a look then?
HIM
You don't know? You don't have the same? You ...
HER
What? Now listen, what it is, is that...
HIM
You bloody scammed me, you and your fake company website and your fake smiles and your fake bloody flirting! You made me believe... you made me... Get out! Get out of my space, my flat, my bloody life, you parasite!
HER
It's not like that, it's ..
HIM
Ten thirty?
HER
No, that's not what I meant. Look what was that counter on your laptop?
HIM
You scammed me! You bloody, fucking, shitting scammed me! How much were you getting then of my eleven k? Eh? How much.
HER
Fifty percent.
HIM
No wonder you wanted more!
She gets up and walks over to the laptop and stares at it
HER
That's real isn't it? Your bitcoins have increased in value. Fucks sake.
HIM
Oh come off it, your's must be worth a fuckin' fortune too, don't keep the lie going, I want you out of my flat now! Now!
He points to the door.
HER
(sheepishly)
I didn't have any. You're right. It is a scam. I got five and half k off you.
HIM
Fuckin' right, now. Out!
HER
No, not yet, I came here tonight..
HIM
Out! Before I have throw you out, I mean it, out now!
HER
Sorry, I'm really sorry, I came here tonight to give it all back to you. Leave the FSE job, give it all up. I liked you, you see and I felt ..
HIM
Liar! Out! Now!
She reluctantly picks up her handbag, and gets her coat from the rack and opens the door.
HER
I liked you and I thought ...
HIM
Fuck off.
She leaves. He goes back to the laptop abruptly closes the lid.
FADE TO BLACK FOR A GOOD FEW SECONDS
EXT. Street - DAY
We follow HIM down the street wearing expensive clothes. We hear a commotion ahead and SHE comes into view shouting at a man throwing stuff out of a second floor flat window. She's wearing cheap sports clothes.
HER
You can't just throw me out like this, you bastard!
More stuff comes from the window.
HER
For fucks sake, you bastard, leave that alone!
She bashes into HIM.
HER
Fucks sake, get out of my way...
They look at each other for a moment.
HER
Fuck.
HIM
Fuck.
HER
He's throwing me out onto the street!
HIM
So I see.
HER
That bloody landlord!
(shouting)
Bastard!
HIM
Why's he chucking you out? If you don't mind my ...
HER
Because! Just fuckin' because!
HIM
I think there's a law against that, let me have a word with him
HER
No you bloody don't, he'll kick your head in, soon as look at you. Stay back. Carry on walking down the street if I were you mate, go on. Go on, I'm handling this.
HIM
Yes, of course you are.
HER
Bugger off, alright, it is embarrassing enough.
HIM
Yes, it does seem to be. I'll bugger off then.
(starts walking off, then turns to her)
Where will you go?
HER
Like you care. Now get out of my sight before...
HIM
Get out of my sight before you what, little miss bitcoin?
HER
Fuck of mate, I'm telling you, just
keep walking by.
(to the landlord )
Bastard!
HIM
Yes, ok. In a minute, I'm enjoying this.
HER
(turns to HIM)
You little bastard!
HIM
Rich little bastard to you.
HER
Yes, fuck off your rich little wibbling bastard. Let me handle this.
She walks over to collect some of her things from the garden.
HIM
(to her back)
You know, I've been thinking.
HER
(without looking round)
Well, go back down the street and keep right on thinking.
HIM
Funny I should meet you again.
HER
Listen mate. Why are you still standing there?
HIM
Just watching you, is that a crime?
HER
(picking up more things and putting hem in boxes lying about)
Yes, it is.
HIM
Arrest me then. Citizens arrest.
(cockney accent)
It's a fair cop gov'ner, you got me banged to rights. And no mistake.
HER
(looking round at him)
What? What?
HIM
Thinking.
HER
Thinking? About what?
HIM
You.
HER
Me?
HIM
You.
HER
Well you can afford to, can't you?
HIM
Yes, but ...
HER
But bugger off. You never wanted to see me again, so walk on to the the Kings Head. Like you always do on Saturday lunchtimes.
HIM
Where we met.
HER
Off, bugger off.
HIM
OK, I'm buggering off, oh hang on, what's that?
(points)
Look, that's a nice looking broach you've missed.
HER
Is it, where? What broach?
He picks it out from the mess and examines it.
HIM
Nice. Suits you.
HER
Oh that, from my Aunt. When she died.
She takes it from him, not forcibly and looks at it.
HER
It's worth a few bob, never wanted to sell it for some reason. Well, will do now, obviously.
HIM
Here, let me.
He carefully pins it on her.
HER
I'm sorry. I er...
HIM
Don't. We've just met. We've just bumped into each other. We've just ...
They look at each other for a few seconds, sizing each other up. He smiles. She smiles.
Him
Come on, lets have lunch in Paris
Her
Tea in China?
HIM
Bag some more precious items in that box there.
She grabs a few things close to hand and puts them in the box. They walk away down the street. She turns and looks at the landlord. He gives her the thumbs up, she winks at him.
THE END